The Monster of Loch Ness
by Lecklund
Summary: **Crack Fic/Reader-Insert** An innocent day out with the Scotsman gets awry rather quickly when an awkward question is asked between his partner: you. And what'll become of the two of you when a surprise guest shows up?


It was just another lazy day along the shoreline with the red-headed Scotsman. The breeze was crisp and clean, and the sun high in the sky. Alistor leaned back on his hands, "It's a beautiful afternoon, ain't it lass?"

You smiled softly, "Yeah. It is." Though when you looked over at him, he had an odd expression, like he was thinking extremely hard about something. Suddenly, he shot up from where he sat and looked down at you, "Lass, there's something I've needed to clear up between us."

You frowned in concern. Was he…?

"Y-You haven't ever looked under a Scotsman's kilt, have you?"

You raised an eyebrow, "Um… only once-"

Alistor suddenly leaned down close to you, "L-Lass… was… was he wearing… anything underneath?"

You felt terribly uncomfortable with these questions he was shooting at you, but you went along with it anyway, "Well, yeah he was…"

The Scotsman sporadically flung his arms in the air, "You aren't serious, are you!?" He looked down at you again, "Only true Scotsman let Nessie free! Why don't more people know that!?"

You deadpanned, "Nessie? Isn't that the monster of Loch Ness?"

He suddenly froze, "Uh, well." He coughed and continued to stutter, "W-Well… it's got more than one meaning, lass…"

You cocked your head slightly, "Oh? Why did I never hear about it until now? And… what does that have to do with kilts and Scotsman?"

Silence.

"Alistor?"

"Would you care to see Nessie, lass?"

You were suspicious, of course. A hidden second meaning behind the term 'Nessie'? Seemed fishy to you, and no pun intended. You slowly responded, "…sure?"

Oh dear, you didn't know whether to regret agreeing to that or not for it all happened to fast. Before you knew it, the Scotsman had straightened up and lifted up his kilt with one rough action. Blinded at first, for the sun had happened to be at the right spot and shine in your line of vision, the first thing you spotted was an oddly shaped mark near his… pelvic region. Blushing furiously, you stuttered, "U-Umm…. Is that supposed to be it?"

Alistor looked down at himself before laughing, "No, lass! That's just the weird birth mark I happen to have. Look lower."

"B-B-But that's your-"

"LIKE, HEY. I TOTALLY WASN'T EXPECTING TO FIND YOU GUYS HERE!"

Alistor quickly let his kilt drop back to where it was supposed to be and turned towards the direction that weird voice came from. Oh. It was Feliks. That damned cross-dressing, pink house-owning, pony rancher that occasionally turned his girly face up around here. Lovely timing.

You meanwhile, had your flaming red face buried in your hands, still wondering what the hell happened in the last two minutes. Feliks came prancing over and put a hand on his hip, "Like, what are you two up to? Is it like, a party or something?"

Alistor rolled his eyes, "A party with two people? That's a bit out of the question, isn't it lad?"

Feliks just waved a hand at him, "Well now there's three~" He looked over at you, "Like, why is your face so red, _? Eat something…" He pulled a random pose, that one might describe as a 'drunk fashion pose', "SPICAY?"

Both you and Alistor deadpanned, "…"

Feliks' eyes suddenly glued to the Scotsman's kilt, "Like, that is a TOTALLY kickass skirt, broski~!"

Alistor choked on the air, "I-It's not a skirt, ya dumb skull-"

"Can we like, compare skirt sizes?"

You coughed when you couldn't hold in a laugh and looked up at Alistor, whose face was in complete shock as he struggled to stay on his feet. He stammered, "S-Skirt… sizes? Lad, I already t-told you it's not a skirt-!"

Feliks made a clicking sound with his tongue, "I like, didn't think you were so self-conscious, broski~ I'll like, go first!"

To you and Alistor's horror, the Polish man quickly pulled up his skirt and attempted to twist it around to look at the label. The worst part… Alistor simply couldn't help but question his sanity.

"GOOD GOD LAD. It's… it…." He coughed to break the awkward sentence up, "Why on Earth are you wearing… women's pink panties?"

You resisted fainting, only because you simply HAD to see how this was going to turn out. Feliks quickly looked over at Alistor and gestured to the frilly undergarment, "Oh this? I like, got them on sale. Aren't they just adorable?"

"WOMEN'S PANTIES, LAD. You're not a lass, so for goodness sake take them off-"

He realized his mistake with saying that but that didn't stop Feliks from frowning, "Like, I totally didn't know you rolled that way, broski. But if you say so…"

Alistor panicked, "N-NO! NO! LAD, I- **MOTHER OF GOD.**"

Feliks, the man-lady had indeed taken his 'advice' literally, and before you knew it, you let out a god-awful noise before fainting from all the 'over-exposure'.

Did that make Feliks a 'true' Scotsman?

For the three seconds he remained standing, underwear in hand, the thought crossed his mind.

But Alistor… oh, Alistor. To some, it was a disappointing event, as it had led to the Scotsman no longer wearing his infamous kilt out in public. But to others, such as yourself, it protected 'Nessie's existence from those who'd threaten it.

_LONG LIVE THE 'MONSTER OF LOCH NESS'._

* * *

_**A/N:**__ Just getting this out of the way, I'm quite aware I didn't use the 'proper terminology' for Nessie [by saying 'monster of Loch Ness' instead. No need to get your panties in a bunch or anything... just wanted to change things up a bit~_  
_And besides, only the reader refers to Nessie with that title. Not like it's Alistor himself..._

_SO. My first attempt at a crack fic. Don't ask, it came up in a conversation I had and my friend wanted me to write it. And I thought, 'What the hell? Could be fun~!'_

_HOO BOY._

_I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT THIS ANYMORE WITHOUT FEELING EMBARRASSED TO HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO WRITE THIS xDDD_


End file.
